Operating Instructions for an Exceptional Relationship
by Pamela Chubbuck PhD © 2013
Most of us long for an exceptional, vital relationship. To have vitally alive relationships, we must be vitally alive ourselves.
Thirty-five years ago, a book titled something like Finding Your Soul Mate promised the wonderful connections I so wanted – if I would just find the one-and-only perfect mate, with whom I had deep karma. The author made it sound so damn easy.
But no instructions! I threw it across the room.
We have few role models for exceptional relationship. We need the Instruction book!
Relationships have several stages before Exceptional is possible. We all dream and long for exceptional Spiritual, sexual, powerful, wonderful relationships. But how do we find them? How do we create them?
1. Choose Well
Pick someone you are attracted to for good reasons. For example they’re kind and want similar things in life as you. Probably having a job or some way to be an independent responsible adult! Important that they want to experience your real self.
Person should NOT be: an active alcoholic, serial killer, mama’s boy/girl, control freak, fake, extreme codependent or someone with the opposite political views (but has such a nice body).
Some of us pick the exact opposite of who our Higher Self wants. A pattern, an addiction to negativity, magnetizes us to the worst person for us. Our saboteur loves this and tells us we are not good enough for someone really solid, kind and available. After her divorce, a client was drawn to every man with similar worst traits of her ex-husband. She had to force herself to walk the other way when this happened. Then things got better!
The first stage of relationship is romantic, fun and exciting. Not yet true love, and short-lived. Love may or may not develop. We show our best selves to each other but eventually our unresolved issues arise. To get to love we have to walk through the Middle World of our personal demons and battle with them. Many end a relationship when meeting their own and their partner’s monsters.
3. Control Stage
Partners fall into a fixed masky pattern which feels comfortable awhile, sometimes years. “Damn! If I don’t control myself and my partner I won’t be safe! If he knows this about me, he’ll leave. If she knows that, she won’t love me.” But the controlled relationship is boring – stifling. Relationship must evolve for individuals to reach real. And real creates exceptional.
4. Transitional Stage
“Oh help! Such focus on self-control, I feel dead already! Our relationship does not feel alive. I want something more!” Feelings must now erupt to move long-held patterns of holding which require transformation.
Normally this phase is a great opportunity to share with your partner, reveal your deep fears and shame. Grow! Transform issues that are hard to change while alone. Note: it’s time to walk when we find truly disturbing things or after seeking professional help, your partner does not want to or cannot change.
Strong emotions, not just thinking about or talking about them, but feeling them, must shake loose for needed changes to occur. Sometimes an affair happens – sometimes divorce. Potentially transition stage can be the opening to exceptional!
5. Exceptional Relationship
In an exceptional relationship we will be real and express our emotions! We commit ourselves to another flawed human being.
We: embrace unpredictability; celebrate the differences and strengths of our spouse; share our fears and know that our childhood needs are past and different from our adult needs; take responsibility for ourselves; practice exceptional sex which is about real connection and surrendering to what is real about us and the other; have a mature Spiritual connection – an awareness that we’re connected to a greater reality, and that we and all of life expand and evolve. Spiritual means alive and is measured by the level of aliveness we feel. We are fascinated to hear what our partner thinks, without judgment.
This journey is difficult but the results can be spectacular! When stuck, seek help from someone who has made the exceptional journey before you.
Blessings along the way!